My Own Best Friend
As a child, teenager, and even young adult, I craved company. Maybe growing up as an only child contibuted to the desire to always be around others. As a child, when weekends would roll around, the first words out of my mouth to my mom on Friday night would be "where are we going?" or "what are we going to do?". We would then find someone to go visit, or invite someone over for coffee, or go out for a daytrip in Boston. I hated staying home or being alone.
As a teen, friends and eventually a boyfriend or two, kept me busy. Then, as a young adult, college and beginning a career took up my time. During my 23rd year, my mom died at the age of 53. She and I had been in the process of renovating a new apartment that we would soon be moving into. Now, I had to move into the apartment alone. The beginning was so very hard. My days were kept full with working and my evenings were kept busy by going over my best friend's house. But, going home... I distinctly remember falling asleep night after night on the couch watching tv, just feeling "alone"...and not in a good way. I think I may have actually had the beginnings of a few panic attacks during that period, but fought through it.
Eventually, as time went on, being alone became a bit easier. During the three years after my mom's death, I fell in love and got married. Within two years, we decided to move to South Carolina. Moving 1000 miles away, from a bit of family and all friends, should have been intimidating and scary, but, the truth was... I was ready for change. So, instead, it all seemed exciting and adventurous. We had already purchased a home in SC ten months before....so, we had a place to live...but we didn't have jobs. After numerous interviews and temp positions, we both eventually found jobs and settled in.
We had our first baby two years later, a daughter. Being a mom had always been my dream...and now it was a reality. Two years later, along came our second and last child, a son. The hardest thing about being a parent for me was the lack of time for "me". I had grown into loving my own quiet time. Time where I could just "be". I no longer had the need to always be around others. I had become my own best friend. I don't know what contributed to this shift in me...was it the solitude of moving from the city to a country like atmosphere? The slowing down of life from the North to the South? The lack of friends in a new environment? Or growing up? It was probably a combination of all of these. It was quite ironic to me that no sooner had I started enjoying just my own company, I now had two babies that left me without a minute of time. Of course, that special time with your babies can never be replaced and I relished every second of it. But, I must admit that as they got older, I sure did enjoy getting back some of that "me" time.
I love doing things by myself now...going for a walk, reading a book, listening to music. I also travel by myself and go to Clay Aiken concerts alone. I'm even one of those strange people who will go to a restaurant alone *g*, and like it. When I think back to who I was and who I now am...it sometimes confuses me. How did I get from there to here? Of course, intellectually I know that the events of your life, the people, the surroundings, the experiences...all contibute to your growth and development. But sometimes it amazes me how much I have changed in different ways. I can't picture the "me" of "now" back in the days of "then".